Picking Up the Pieces

It’s been a minute since I’ve really written about the nuances of my life or the tsunami of thoughts that continue to flood my head when I think about the situation with B. Most days I’m good, and can remain in a level-headed mindset, but last week in therapy, a question came up that really sort of sent me into an overflow of thoughts and one that I haven’t been able to move past.

We do talk about B most weeks in session, but it’s normally more surface level, but last week I did disclose that B is actively dating other women and that I get the gut feeling that one of them may be progressing into something more serious. My therapist asked me how that made me feel and I had to think for a minute. That was a tough question for me to answer, especially for someone who isn’t typically at a loss for words.

My initial immediate response was sad, but sad doesn’t really articulate the correct feelings. It’s deeper than that, and while disappointed is the second phrase that came to mind, that word isn’t appropriate either. It’s a super weird Jekyll/Hyde sort of mind fuck. Because on a friendship level I am happy that he has someone that is making him smile and giving him hope for a future, especially after what he’s been through with his ex wife.

But on a selfish level (looking out for my own emotions) and the hope for my own happiness with the possibility of finding love again, it just plain fucking sucks. There is no denying that B and I have a deep emotional connection and align on SO MANY things. But on the same token, I just don’t feel like I have been given a fair chance to explore the situation in it’s entirely. Like the build up to us meeting was so intense and having a first date and then BAM! My stupid ex came strolling back into the picture and everything went awry. Once again, my ex continues to fuck me in any way that he can. Cool.

It just makes me feel like I am a day late and a buck short when it comes to B. I’m a late entry to the race, but I’m not allowed to participate because of circumstances outside of my control. And it’s not that I am not deserving of a chance with B, but more so…like why is he so afraid of what could be? He’s sort of tap danced around this being one of the reasons he wont meet me, yet he also stands steadfast on me still being married (even if only in a legal sense.) I almost feel like maybe it’s an excuse to let me down easier. Like C coming back was the scape goat he needed to remove one of the relationships he was pursuing because it all got to be too much.

From where I stand, my situation isn’t really all that messy per se. It’s pretty clear cut, especially with us starting discussions/paperwork for the divorce and me being very transparent with B about the shortcomings of my ex and how I have realized that I deserve more. C will never be the man I want for this new version of myself. The bottom line is simple; I am getting a DIVORCE. Period. And, more importantly, I am continuing to move on with my life with a fresh mindset and an open heart.

C is not at all capable of changing AND I will never be able to get over what he did to me, nor how much he betrayed me. He destroyed me emotionally (without a care in the world) and furthermore disappointed me at the highest level. I know that (in time) all of those wounds can be forgiven…but they can never be forgotten. Because of all of these atrocities and more, I need to walk away. And truthfully I pretty much decided that shortly after he came home to apologize. The harsh reality is that C is no longer the man that I married, nor is he the man that I fell in love with 12+ years ago. He’s vastly different, and I do not miss the volatility that has encapsulated our lives for the last few years. Our marriage was toxic, I lost myself, my self worth and my inner peace. He broke me down for years and then destroyed me ever further with the affair, had zero compassion for the tragic loss of my brother, and also didn’t even have 2 fucks to spare to check on me during my lengthy surgery recovery.

And while I can openly admit that I did lose all of the aforementioned things (and more) for the last several years, I can also find so much pride in knowing that I have worked so hard day in/day out for the last 6 months to get back to a good place in all facets of my life; physically, mentally and emotionally. In fact, I can say that I am in a better place than I have been in many years, and I am so proud of the mountains that I am moving in my healing journey.

So, here I stand feeling confident in myself and my self worth, yet not really understanding a tiny bit of this situation with B. He’s openly talking about his relationship with the woman he’s been dating, and I feel like they’re getting serious. So, where does that leave the candle of hope (and potential what-ifs) that I’ve kept burning since B and I agreed that we needed to be “just friends” while I closeout the old chapter of my life. In all reality if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t want him talking day in/day out with another woman like we talk. And that part of me thinks I just need to walk away so he can focus on his other relationships. Basically, exit stage left before I get anymore vested. As it stands, I am already in over my head. And every day that inches forward, I find myself learning and adoring something new about B, whether it be something endearing or just learning more about him as a person. I truly wish he would just flip a switch and be a dick…maybe not be so caring or compassionate. I wish he would be a shallow asshole like a majority of the men that I have encountered since relabeling myself as ‘single.‘ But, I know I would only be kidding myself in thinking that he could be capable of falling into the same pathetic cesspool of single men.

It’s apparent that B turns to me for emotional support and he has openly admitted that to me. But, if he can turn to me for emotional support, why isn’t willing to meet me? Does that just make me his ’emotional support blanket’ (for lack of a better term?) Truthfully, the thought of that just sucks, because I deserve more, so much more! I deserve all parts of a connection with someone, not just the emotional aspect. I have more to offer and truthfully sometimes I already feel like I am giving too much of myself to B. I do know that to the depths of his soul, he doesn’t have a single ounce of ill will in his body (besides towards his ex) and truthfully probably doesn’t even realize these are the thoughts that are running through my head or that I feel like I am simply emotional stability for him. And some days I ask myself. Is that all that this is, am I reading into this too much for something that it isn’t?

My therapist says that it’s almost like B is having an emotional relationship with me… but is that really fair to me? Absolutely NO! Is that fair to the other women that he is dating? Also NO! So, while he can refer to my situation as ‘messy’, I don’t think that his situation is any less messy than mine. In fact, mine is probably a little bit more straightforward at this point; yes, I am still technically married, but only on paper. C and I are nothing more than roommates at this point, there is nothing emotional left, we haven’t even had so much as a hug since early May. All that is really left to do is to divide our assets, sell this house, and pack up our individual moving trucks so we can go our separate ways. Whereas, on the other hand, B is juggling relationships with at least a couple of women and has been for months now. That is far more complex of a situation IMO.

It’s starting to hit me that in just a few short months I will be living in a new house on my own for the first time in 20+ years. It’ll be just me and the pups and the official start to my next chapter. I am very much looking forward to a peaceful life without the looming combo of strife and sadness that has lingered overhead for the last few years. But then I think about the giant fucking elephant in the room… once I move to the West Coast of Florida, what happens with B and I? Of course I am going to want to see him, but is that even an option? The hopeful romantic side of me clings to the daydream that we finally meet in person, sparks fly….and the ever anticipated first kiss becomes one for the books. From there, we take things slow and start to explore the possibility of what could be between us. This is the 5-year old little girl in me that is (somehow) still a hopeless romantic, the same one that fantasizes about cheesy romcom scenes where the boy and the girl finally end up together after a long drawn out (and stereotypically confusing) period of time.

But, the logical side of me just doesn’t see how that would ever come to be. The other women in his life are meeting his kids, and yet…here I am…not having even met him. This alone puts me at a very big disadvantage if we’re looking at this from a competitive standpoint. And while I do not view this as a competition what so ever…more simply stated, I just don’t see where there is any room for me in B’s life on any sort of a romantic level. From what he’s told me, he’s already juggling more than he can handle. And honestly, I’ve said it many times before; I will not timeshare with a man, especially not one that I care deeply for. Truthfully, I’d rather be alone than be an option.

Perhaps I am just kidding myself to think that this could ever be anything more than what it currently is. A somewhat surreal union where two people met and connected on so many levels in an almost unbelievable way. So many similarities with small things and big things and all of the “in between things” too. But, then I also stop and think. Am I reading into his niceness too much? Like, am I looking deeper than it actually is? Is he just kind and compassionate to all of his friends? I mean, I don’t feel like I am reading him wrong, but it’s honestly so hard to decipher his words and actions sometimes…and maybe that is also part of my problem.

I keep asking myself, what will change in this convoluted situation once I live closer to B? Truthfully, I don’t think much at all… besides my zip code and where I lay my head at night. I just don’t see where there is any place (or space) in B’s life for us to explore this further. And while I would love to keep a candle burning for the possibilities of what could be, it is already blatantly obvious that I am WAY too close to the flame and worry that I’m going to get burned. And maybe that is why he won’t meet me, is he trying to protect me….? So many questions and unknowns.

I think back to the early years of Sex an the City when Carrie Bradshaw met Big and how enamored she was by him their first interaction. And while B and I have not yet met face-to-face, I can truthfully say that I have never connected with someone on such a vulnerable level….much less so quickly and so deeply. Months of late night hours spent texting back and forth and phone calls with conversations that flow like I’ve known him my entire life. Every interaction with him is so easy, I am never at a loss for intellectual conversation or countless laughs. Big picture, the whole random chance of us meeting and connecting like we have is somewhat of an enigma.

And let’s be clear about something….I am NOT the girl who gets googly-eyed over a man. This just isn’t who I am, nor have I ever been. Even thinking back to the very beginning with C. We had great laughs and chemistry, but we failed to ever really connect on a deeper level. Something I always craved in my marriage, and ultimately was a contributing factor to the demise. And then one night at the end of June, I was home alone scrolling through social media and decided to sign up for FB dating just to rip off the bandaid and see what sort of single men were out there.

After more than a few random creeper matches, the sweetest man with a great smile popped up in my matches. A tall dark handsome wonderland that somehow managed to captivate me almost from “Hello”. Great smile, educated, professional, parallel love of music, intelligent, sushi lover, carpenter…and he’s funny??!! I think to myself, “Is this me reincarnated as a man?”I did NOT see that happening with one of the first people I matched with. Again, I can’t help but feel like Carrie Bradshaw when she met Big for the first time and couldn’t stop thinking about him or talking about him with the girls. My core group of girlfriends all know about B, they’re all just as curious as I am to see how this all plays out. My therapist knows about B, and gives me really great tools and logical mindsets to help keep me grounded. Even my sister-in-law (who is married to C’s brother) knows about B, and she asks me about him from time to time for updates when we catch up.

And with every conversation that is had which pertains to this situation, I am left more puzzled with how I am supposed to proceed. I know that I am not yet emotionally ready for a serious relationship and I full well understand this statement. But, what I can’t seem to get past is the grey area that I continue to linger in. One where B and I subtly flirt back/forth, talk daily, lean on each other for support, and “cryptically communicate” with each other via our shared playlist on Spotify. I know this situation is one that I have continued to stew over for at least a couple of months now, but there is just something about him. Because no matter how hard I try to pull away…day by day, somehow I just continue to get closer and closer. Like a moth to a flame, this is where I am at. Even when I try and tell myself that we’re just friends, I simply cannot dismiss the way that I feel towards B, and I sincerely wish I could. But, then I think..would that be cheating myself of what-ifs? Quite possibly, yes.

The question I am left with is this; do I walk away and let the flame burn itself out, or do I wait out the next couple of months and hold out hope that by some miracle I do not get burned?