Picking Up the Pieces

As I strapped on my running shoes for the first time in nearly two months, I put my trusty earbuds in and kicked off my favorite running playlist filled with mostly early 2000 Eminem classics.

I open Spotify and hit play. The first song in queue is Lose Yourself. Well played universe, well played. As someone who is hyper focused on lyrics, the first few lines of good ol’ Marshall Mathers talking hit me exceptionally hard today.

If you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment….
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?

And as I listened to those lyrics and begrudgingly push through the first few minutes of the HUGE mind fuck of easing into my jog, I can’t help but ask myself…. would you capture it or just let it slip? And let me back up for a moment to say that I opted to run in 95 degree temps in August with 294% humidity, and in between rain storms because I was trying to clear my head. Eminem is my playlist of choice because his beats set a good pace for jogging, and he’s quite simply a lyrical genius. Today, I am really in my head, and this jog to clear my head isn’t starting off as planned.

Things with B are kind of in a weird space and I don’t know how to proceed. I’ve been forthcoming and transparent with all the complexities of my life, the upcoming divorce, and my somewhat messy situation and so far it hasn’t been an issue… until this morning.

:::Backstory:::Earlier this week C came over (unexpectedly) and long/short apologized for the last 4 months of his shitty reckless behavior and told me that he wanted to work on himself and our marriage. My oh my, how the tables have turned there jackass. Sorry, but “that’s a NO for me dawg.” I let him talk, but when he was done, I spoke my mind. I didn’t hold back at all, I said everything that has been bottled up for the last 4 months and I told him that it was too little AND too late.

I was so proud of myself, I stood my ground and told him there wasn’t even a .0001% chance of us working on things. When I think back on that time right after my birthday…it kills me how quickly everything came crashing down, blow after blow. I just can’t. He destroyed me, set me on fire, and then tossed me in the ocean without a life jacket. He abandoned me by all definitions of the word and I was left to pick up the pieces and learn to survive. There were days that all I did was survive…no eating, no shower, no getting dressed, no getting out of bed, and only drinking water out of necessity. Some of the absolute darkest days of my life, and he is responsible for ALL of that pain. He did that to me and without any regard for my feelings or the devastation that he caused in the pursuit of his own “happiness”…. and I use that word loosely.

Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago, and other times the wounds are still a bit fresh. But in a calendar viewpoint, nearly 4 months have passed. My perspective of him is so different, what once was is now shattered and gone, and I can see just how far I have come….I stand here today and can proudly say that I have MOVED MOUNTAINS to get where I am. Standing tall with a smile on my face again, loving myself, knowing my worth…while also choosing to jog in sweltering summer heat.

After C came over on Monday I had a difficult decision to make, and I knew that it could potentially have a ripple effect on things with B. I had to decide if I was going to tell him about the conversation that occurred earlier that afternoon, or if I was just going to keep it to myself. In the end, I didn’t want to keep secrets from B and wanted to be transparent with him because I really respect him and his feelings. His kids were around him when we were chatting that night, so I had to explain everything via text which is cumbersome in itself, but I needed to get it off my chest. I told him everything and I thought that we were okay. I told B that nothing has changed with my feelings or how I want to proceed with selling this house at the end of the year, and getting a divorce.

The rest of the week panned out like any other week since B came into my life. Texting throughout the day, exchanging pictures, lots of flirting and the normal dialogue that I have come to expect with him. Long distance is hard, especially when you have such a strong connection with someone, but I know this is not my forever, so I try to remind myself of that. But yesterday my therapist asked me if B and I had our first date yet and I told her no. We spoke in greater detail about that and it really got me to thinking.

A few weeks ago, I read a quote on Jay Shetty’s page and it struck a chord with me. I immediately saved it to my phone and knew that I would use that in my blog someday.

Any person who truly values you, would never put themselves in a position to lose you.

That statement inexplicably speaks volumes with my ex and seemingly also with B. After therapy yesterday, I started to question why B and I had not yet had a first date. I can drive again, I’m just about healed from surgery, and I’m feeling better than I have in months! So, whats the hold up? B and I have our usual conversation last night and I tap dance around him being in Daytona this weekend and try to feel out if there is a potential for us to meet up when he will be so close. He tells me he would love to see me, but I can’t help feeling like there is a “but” at the end of that sentence. As he’s drifting off to sleep, I send him a message and basically tell him where my head is at. He’s going out on dates with other women, so why don’t I get that experience too? Where is the obstacle? How is that fair to me?

I say what I say, and he tells me he’s tired and would like to talk about this in the morning. It feels like the same passive reply that I have gotten in the past. Let’s talk about this tomorrow morning, which feels to me like “I don’t want to talk about this.” My gut says its avoidance, but maybe I’m wrong.

I get an early morning text from B asking if he can call me on his way to work. A true man of his word, he does call me after he drops the kids at school. We say good morning, greet each other with the typical pleasantries and then I decided to rip off the band aid to figure this shit out. One of the (many) things I love about B is his openness to communicate. Huge points for those extremely refined skills. Communication in any healthy relationship is 200% necessary. I let him talk and I finally get some clarity on his apprehensions to meet me and things make a bit more sense.

I love that he speaks from the heart and tells me how he feels about me. And I feel the exact same way that he does. We both see a tangible future together and that is both exciting and terrifying. I wasn’t looking to find someone on a dating site that I would connect with so well. I was looking to have some dinner dates, be a makeout bandit, and just enjoy single life for the first time in 12.5 years. Enter stage left, the super charming and super handsome B…who also happens to check every single one of my boxes. Goodness, I did not see that one coming!

B was supposed to be a distraction. That was the plan. But there is something there that I need to explore. Something that is unlike any connection that I have ever had before. We align on so many things and yet, the one piece of us that hasn’t come into the equation is the physical connection. I want to feel his arms wrapped around, I want to experience that first kiss, and that first stare into each other’s eyes. I want to have that grin from ear to ear as we approach each other for the first time. I want all of that and then some. I want to feel that rush of emotions and those tingles all over from head to toe. It’s been so many years since I have felt any of that. B has reignited that spark in me and now I am craving it like something fierce. With such a deep rooted emotional connection, there is a huge part of me eagerly awaiting that last piece to fall into place. But so far that seems like a truly unattainable goal.

I now know that he has apprehensions bc of my ex, and that is understandable. But I hate that I keep having to explain that I am not going back and I cannot make that any clearer, nor should I have to. I haven’t done anything to break B’s trust and he needs to give me the benefit of the doubt. Period. I know that my words are just words, but my integrity runs deep and I would hope that would help my case. I understand he’s being vulnerable, but FFS, so am I! In fact, I am probably more vulnerable because there are days that I am still “licking my wounds”. Those days are far less frequent now, but I still have my moments, and that is okay. It doesn’t mean I want my old life back, it simply means I am still healing and that I am a work in progress. But it also means that I am still moving forward with my life. My old life is gone, I am not the same girl, and I can not go back there. I can only go forward and that is still my plan.

I want to see this through with B, I really do, because I think there is a strong potential there. And I know that he feels the same way. But, he tells me he is “not there yet”. And that is okay, but how are you ever going to get there if you don’t even try? How are you ever going to know if you simply tuck your tail between your legs and you don’t take that risk?

I get it, he’s been hurt. But by our age, who hasn’t been hurt? It’s all in how you process that hurt and learn to overcome it. Lord knows that I am no stranger to hurt myself, yet I am still keeping an open mind and an open heart to finding love again. Did I expect to have it drop in my lap so soon? Um, definitely not. But, the reality is, my marriage has been dead for a couple of years and the feelings I have for B aren’t like anything that I have ever experienced before. This morning he told me that he got on FB dating looking to have some fun, and that he did not expect to find someone like me. But I can not help to feel like that is a somewhat safety net response. And I can say that because I had the same mindset.

The difference between the two of us is this; I am cautiously optimistic to the possibility of what could be, whereas, he is simply cautious. Let me also say that being cautious is okay, it means you are grounded and logical and not acting strictly out of lust and/or emotion. But to hold off of meeting someone to prevent the relationship from blossoming because you’re afraid of what it could be or not be? That just doesn’t seem fair… for either party involved. Or to hold back with someone because your afraid that you could get hurt? I mean, isn’t that everybody’s apprehension in getting into any sort of relationship? But you can’t live in fear. I choose to live in faith and in hope for what could be, as terrifying as that can be. Because at the end of the day, life is short and I didn’t spend the last 5 years of my life battling cancer and to regain my life to simply sit on the sidelines.

Let’s be honest, no one wants to be hurt, but we’ve all been there. And we’ve all gotten through it and lived to see another day. Yes, heartache is hard, but it builds character and teaches us lessons to love smarter and wiser in the future. It teaches us to not repeat the same mistakes and makes us more aware of what you want (and do not want) in a relationship. Heartache breaks us down, but in the end it also makes us stronger. And that stronger version of yourself will love harder and more deeply in every future relationship. And the new version of yourself will cherish all of those little things that you missed from your past because they speak magnitudes and remind you of just how good love can feel.

I know that my situation is not ideal and I can completely understand the apprehension from B, but my situation is only temporary. And by the end of the year, this house will be sold and I will be on my way to Tampa/St. Pete area with the pups and looking forward to a fresh start. This morning B mentioned the possibility of taking a step back to think on this, but we really didn’t get to finish the conversation, so I don’t really know know where that leaves us, if anywhere.

He’s in Daytona this weekend with his family for his birthday, and I really wish he would find time for us to meet. He’ll be less than 45 mins away, but right now that still seems like 17 hrs away. I just can’t help but wonder which way he’s gonna lose himself. Will he make the time to see me this weekend? Even if just for after dinner drinks or a few hours to sit and chat and/or walk on the beach?
Will it be that he loses himself in the fear of what could be and risks losing me?
Or is it that he loses himself in the moment and decides to take a risk knowing that the reward could be everything that he’s been looking for (and wanted?)

And so B, I ask you this…
If you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment….
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?

:::mic drop:::