Picking Up the Pieces

The day that I learned of the betrayal is the same day that it dawned on me… despite all the words of affirmation over the years, C no longer chose me. Unbeknownst to me, for nearly 2 months he had chosen someone else to kiss, someone else to hug, someone else to laugh with and someone else to love. Albeit, not real love like what we once had, but more of a surface level infatuation. And even though this will surely be short-lived, that doesn’t make the tears any less painful as I write these words. My husband and the person that I had built a life with no longer chose me.

Fast forward through several of the darkest and most soul searching months of my life and I have somehow landed myself in another precarious situation. 

When I stuck my toes into the dating pool I never imagined that one of the first men I really matched with would land me where I am today. Awake at 7:00 am blogging, trying to make sense of what to do with the mess I have gotten myself (and my heart) into. 

Two weeks ago, I wrote about my concerns in an effort to ground myself from him. I wanted to and needed to pull back. I need to think with my head and stop thinking with my heart. I truly wish that B was not so charming, not so intelligent, not so caring, not so compassionate, and not so overall positively different that what I have experienced in my past relationship. But B is like a drug, you want to stay level-headed and of sound mind to make logical choices, but it’s right there, like a proverbial carrot dangling in front of you. And as much I wanted to pull back, I’ve done the exact opposite. 

Without even realizing it, we have talked throughout the day every single day since we exchanged numbers. He’s the first person I hear from in the morning and the last person I talk to before I lay my head down to sleep. And throughout the day he shares snippets of his life, photos of his kids, and songs with incredible lyrics that instantly grab me. Should I look deeper into those lyrics, or simply take them at face value? Is this his way of expressing himself when he is still guarded? Does everyone get these songs? Or is it just me? So many questions running through my mind.

Morning texts start at 5:46 today, and this morning’s song is a good one, maybe the best yet. “My Stunning Mystery Companion” by Jackson Browne. I read the lyrics before I even listen. Damn, they’re so good, like insanely good. Then I listen to an acoustic version of the song and I am left speechless. The song is so good, and B is even better. Ground yourself Melissa. After a somewhat heavy convo last night… I need to figure this out. And so I write, writing is my therapy…in between my therapy appointments. I’m gonna write till it makes sense. I need to get it all out of my head. 

We talk for hours on end and the conversations flow with the greatest of ease. No awkward silences and no shortage of topics. With B, it’s just easy. Easy to talk to, easy to laugh with, easy to flirt with and so damn easy to just be myself with. None of my surgical scars or the crazy shit that my poor body has endured scares him. He isn’t phased by any of it. He accepts me and my damaged heart in its purest and rawest form and does so like it’s second nature for him. Like he was carved out of some mold of the person that was meant to be my equal. 

And yet, despite all of these wonderful things about B, I find myself not really sure what to do with him or this hole that I have somehow dug myself into. I can say with the utmost certainty that he is someone that I could see myself falling for. And that statement terrifies me. I don’t love the idea that someone I have known for such a short time has that much hold on me or my head/heart. 

In a feeble attempt to “keep my options open” I am still on the FB dating app and get bombarded with lists of potential matches throughout the day. Half of them are 60+ year olds, full bearded men obsessed with hunting/fishing or 25 years old males looking for “an older mature woman.” Hard pass on all accounts. The other half are either playboys or potential serial killers. It’s a fine line, and a lot to take in for someone that hasn’t dated in 12 years. I scroll through their through photos, read their generic bios that mostly consist of “want to know something, just ask” or an extensively long list of emojis. I wish I was kidding. Every one of them is cookie cutter…same jargon, different day. I find myself thinking of B’s enduring qualities, and none of these potential suitors even hold a candle. His infectious smile caught my eye, but the details of his profile and our overwhelming amount of similarities took me for a loop, and still do to this very moment.

Fast forward through hours and hours (and hours) of in depth conversations on a variety of topics and sprinkle in a lot of flirting, some super intense sexting and we arrived at my current destination. The one where I am standing here wondering how to proceed with B. 

You see the thing with him is that he is also newish to the dating scene, but still very much so keeping all of his options open. Maybe that makes him smart and tactical or maybe that makes him simply a serial dater. I don’t think he’s callous in his intent, his heart is too big for that. He’s different than most men. And while I feel myself liking him more and more each day, we’re still missing a key piece. We haven’t had a first date, our eyes have not locked, and our lips have not met in that much anticipated first kiss. I haven’t had his arms wrapped around me, and I haven’t felt the gentleness of his caress. 

Last night B was distant with me for the first time since we started chatting. He was transparent and told me that he was arguing with another girl. A bit of a throat punch, but one that I probably needed. Sometimes I get lost in the conversations with him and lose sight of where I am is in the equation. Right now he has choices. I don’t know how many there are, nor do I don’t need/want to. I don’t know how frequently he chats with all of them, how often he sees each of them, or what their connections are like.

What I do know is this…I am still recovering from my surgery and also live 2 hours away, which puts me at a serious disadvantage in his equation. We’ve talked about a first date, but he’s not really made any efforts or attempt to plan something. Should I take that as a clear sign? Maybe that’s my answer? Or is it really that he’s just busy with work, his children and juggling other dates.

I remind myself, actions overs words, always. 

I find myself circling back to my situation with C and how much it broke me. I’m still recovering from that. Not like I was when I first learned of the affair, and while I am proud of how far I have come, I’m still not whole, not by any stretch of the imagination. I still can’t fully trust someone like I should, and I know that will take time. I trust that B’s words are sincere and heartfelt, but what I don’t trust is how this situation will turn out. I’d be kidding myself to say that I don’t have feelings for him, but right now he is sharing his feelings with other women as well. And that part just fucking sucks. 

I’m not looking to pick out wedding china or map out the rest of my life and where we will retire. But I would at least like to know we are on the same page and right now, with what I know, I just don’t think that we are. At least not right now anyways. B is absolutely amazing in so so many ways, but he’s also still exploring. 

Diving into anything serious is not on my radar for the foreseeable future. But….I am willing and capable of getting to know someone and see where it could potentially go once the divorce is wrapped up. However, what I am not in a position to do is to allow myself be an option in a multi-faceted equation.

Yes, the cards could potentially play out in my favor and it could turn into something incredible. But, it could also go in a much different direction where B comes to realize what he wants, and what he wants isn’t me. And that leaves me dealing with more rejection. 

I need to stay in the kiddie pool with my water wings tightly around my arms. And when I meet the right person, I want us to slowly proceed together. I want and need that person to hold my hand (and only my hand) while we learn to trust…together. And even if that means that his other hand is still clutching to the wall in an effort to not drown, that is okay.

Right now, more so than ever I need reassurance to know that I am enough. That someone chooses me over anyone else. That they value me enough to focus their attention on getting to know me without any distractions. More simply stated, I just need to feel chosen.

Or maybe I just need to get out of the pool altogether, where I focus on myself and no one else. Focus on my well being, my therapy, going to church, praying, journaling, the pups, continue to build my business, set healthy boundaries (with B), finish recovering from surgery, ease back into working out (once I am cleared by my doctor) and just be super fucking selfish with my time. Maybe this is actually my choice to be made. Maybe I just need to choose myself.