Picking Up the Pieces

Boundaries are important because they create space for personal growth and self-care, as they ensure that your own emotional, mental, and physical well being are prioritized.

Things with B continue to progress each day. It’s a refreshing change to have someone who appreciates me without a constant barrage of criticism and negativity. They said you find the most clarity when you take a step back. Seeing how B interacts with me so easily and without resentment is a breath of fresh air. I don’t think that I realized how much I had lost myself in my marriage until it imploded. I will NEVER give C the credit that he thinks he deserves for “doing me a favor’ (as her refers to it) “setting me free”….which really just translates to him justifying sleeping with someone at work. His brain is clearly fucked bc this is NOT something that I will ever thank him for. I’m getting off topic. I need to let go of this anger that continues to creep in, it’s not health to keep reliving his trespasses. He’s a piece of shit, and he knows it.

Back to B. I’m in a somewhat euphoric headspace of enjoying his attention, but also extremely apprehensive. Our conversations are easy and deep and continue to fill me with a sense of joy. But, I also have a big internal struggle that I need to sort through.

The logical side of me says, “Melissa WTF are you doing? You are still picking up the pieces of your shattered heart. It hasn’t been that long, only a few months. Those wounds are still fresh despite your brave(ish) face.”

And then there is the emotional side of me. Feeling all the feels. One could argue that I am somewhat enamored by B, and look forward to his name popping up on my phone throughout the day. He’s the first person I talk to in the morning, and last person I talk with before I fall asleep. It feels great to have that connection….It’s something I have missed. That unspoken comfort of knowing that someone is thinking of you. He is caring and considerate, he’s incredibly smart, he’s complimentary and likable. Damn is he likable. Probably too likable for me in my current jumbled headspace.

I did not think I would connect with someone so quickly when I signed up for FB dating at the beginning of this month. I feel like it is too premature to have feelings for B. Is it just that he has reignited a spark in me that has been dimmed for far too long? That emotional connected that was lacking in my marriage? It feels good to be excited about the opposite sex again. Am I over thinking this and not taking it at as face value? A nice guy who has peaked my curiosity, or is there something more there below the surface. It’s a constant struggle of trying to both ground myself and live in the moment. I also haven’t dated in 12 years. I have no idea what TF I am doing.

The beauty and sanctity of a committed relationship is that you know you aren’t in competition with anyone else. Candidly, I am not good at juggling multiple guys at one time, I’m just not. This is not a skill set that I have ever excelled in. Maybe it’s because I consider myself to be somewhat selfish, and I am only going to make an effort to get to know someone if I see actual potential there. What’s the point in having multiple connections? Maybe I am not capable of spreading my attention/affection between multiple men. If I like someone, I like someone and I want them to know that. I don’t need a plan B, C, or D. And, in the same token, I am also not looking to be an option. When I like someone, I need to (and choose to) fully explore that relationship in its entirety without any other distractions.

This is the only thing that I struggle with when it comes to B. We connect so well, but somehow I can’t help but feel like I’m simply an option to him at this current time. I know he’s been dating someone since May, but he has expressed concerns with her. She doesn’t seem to really express an interest in his children, and I could see this being a hurdle for him. Beyond her, I have no idea how many other women are in his life, and it’s not really my business.

We talk everyday throughly the day and, I just don’t see how he can keep up with multiple women in that capacity while also working a super demanding job at X, and being a dad. But I also fully understand that right now, I am essentially a penpal to him for the next 4-6 weeks. With my surgery recovery, I will not be in a capacity to meet him in person for till sometime in August and this part really sucks. To have daily communication with him, while my feelings continue to grow is not ideal. It is setting me up for what could be more heartache. This is not something that I want to endure. Period, it’s not. I am already recovering from the WORST feelings of rejection when C chose Saggy Tits McGhee over me. I am not looking for someone else to be chosen over me again.

And the self loving part of me knows better. She does and she knows that she is worthy of love and affection and someone that will give 100% of their attention. I am deserving of that. I am not looking for 25% of someone, or even 50%. I want to give love freely and feel that same love in return. And I don’t want to casually date someone in a trial period of sorts. Yes, dating is all about getting to know someone, but being one of several options just isn’t what I am looking for. That doesn’t mean we can’t take things slow, but I am not looking to timeshare someone I am being intimate with. I was doing that for a couple of months, albeit without me knowing it… but alas. I feel like I have a lot to offer when I am in a relationship. I want to show my partner love on all levels, and I want to be their best friend and their lover. I want to be their confident and the person they reach for in the middle of the night. Is that unreasonable?

I find myself scrolling back through text messages with B. He talks about us being compatible in every facet, besides his current opposition to being married again. He refers to me as brilliant. Something that no one has ever said to me. And the way in which he articulated his words when describing my intelligence, I go back and re-read those words and I just smile. How can I not?

My therapist has been teaching me to set healthy boundaries for relationships as I continue to heal. This includes friendships, my relationship with my parents (or lack there of), and especially with the shitbag ex. As I was sitting on the couch today, I came to a striking realization. I needed to set healthy boundaries with B. I need to protect my heart. I am too fragile in my current emotional state to deal with anymore heartache that comes along with being 100% vulnerable with him. I wish I didn’t like him to the degree that I do, but sometimes you simply can’t control how someone makes you feel. And so I drafted a message to B explaining where my head is at. I have to stay guarded, I can’t simply take a leap of faith and hope for the best. Not with this one. He’s been transparent and honest and while I do appreciate both of those qualities, it’s not a risk I can take at this current time. He sent the sweetest message to me too while I was working on my bombshell text to him. Timing wasn’t ideal on that, but I can’t hold back on this. I need to get this off my chest. Will it change our dynamic? Oh, I am sure it will 100%. Will that part absolutely suck? Yes, yes indeed.

I send the message. I don’t see a reply for awhile. When he does respond, it’s about the response that I anticipated. B tells me he never wants to intentionally hurt me and that he respects my boundaries. He vows to honor them with all his love and respect. Not sure how to process that last part, but I appreciate the sincerity in his message. He concludes the conversation by asking me for some space. Ouch. Wasn’t anticipating that last part. Fuck.

I was hoping we could still talk, and dial it back to a surface level friendship. I truly enjoy our friendship, I love talking to him, I feel like he’s my equal. We jive so well. Music, mindsets, banter, so many things. I was only hoping to take the constant flirty banter and the insane sexual tension out of the conversation while he figures out what he is looking for. I knew sending that message was a risk, I did. I did not anticipate for it to backfire like that though. I don’t think he’s mad at me, but maybe he just needs clarity to think through his feelings? Or maybe he’s thinking “fuck this girl, she’s a mess.” I truthfully don’t know. I can’t see him uttering the latter part of that thought process, so maybe he just needs time to think. He’s in DC for work this weekend and into the middle of next week. I wonder if I’ll hear from him at all while is gone. He’s been radio silent since lunchtime today and I don’t like it. I miss his messages that make me smile. How can I miss someone that I don’t even know all that well?

My therapist would be proud of me for setting those boundaries, she would. And I am also proud of me. I guess only time will tell if those boundaries were the right decision or a preemptive defensive mechanism used to protect myself from hurt. In an ideal situation B will take some time to think, hopefully start to miss me and see that there is something worth exploring with me and that we’re on the same page about what that looks like for us to explore our connection.