Picking Up the Pieces

It goes without saying that most of us are broken to some degree. Some of us are pieced back together and have evolved into a better version of what once was. I am very broken thanks to the shitbag. Broken trust and broken heart. I don’t want to be broken, but I also know that this tumultuous healing process is necessary to process all of the emotions that I am feeling.

Surgery day comes to a close and I drift off to sleep with a sense of peace and comfort. B has come into my life for some reason, we connected so easily. He has a good heart and seems genuine. I like to think that I am a good judge of character and I feel like I have a pretty good read on him, or do I? Thursday and Friday fly by in the blink of an eye. B texts with me some but he is also somewhat distant.

This is that hot and cold that I can’t make sense of. I won’t make excuses for anyone bc my trust issues run deep. How can they not? I know his work is super demanding, but my gut says he’s sharing his attention with multiple women. Women’s intuition is rarely incorrect. This is the part of dating that I am unfamiliar with. The shitty reality of getting to know someone and questioning your value and rank within their current headspace. I know he doesn’t owe me anything at this point; I’m just a woman on the other end of a cell phone that he chats with, sometimes for hours on end.

Friday afternoon I go home. I see C at the doorway as I am wincing in pain using a walker, I am wishing he wasn’t there. He touches my shoulder in an effort to provide some sort of comfort. This is the first physical contact we’ve had in months. I turn to him and ask him not to touch me. These mind fucks. Stop acting like you care, you don’t give a shit about me, you’ve made that quite clear.

As I settle into bed, B and I are texting. My anger for C fades and I find more comfort in messages from a stranger than in the physical touch of someone that I have spent 12 years of my life. What sort of alternate universe am I living in? I still continue to trust God’s hand in all of this. That’s all I can do.

Saturday and Sunday come and go, Jess establishes a scheduled routine for meds, PT, bandages and drains. What would I do without her? I sleep a lot, and in between fistful of meds, multiple visitors come by to drop off food and little gifts to cheer me up. God is providing to me in so many ways right now. C left early Saturday morning with the boat and he hasn’t been home since. I’m sure he’s showcasing his new toy that WE test drove together. I love that boat and the plans we had made for it. C’s surprise birthday trip in September to the Keys… empty nesters taking off for last minute adventures. That was only a few months ago, why does it feel like a faint memory now? I need to stop reflecting on what once was. All the remains of C and I is betrayal and broken vows. My therapist would remind me to keep moving forward and stop glancing back and what used to be. It’s not healthy and will not change anything. All it does is continue to open deep wounds that I am trying to heal from.

I’m having trouble sleeping and I find myself thinking of B when I can’t sleep. WTF kind of hold does this guy have on me? I don’t want to have this connection. Not at all. I can’t be this vulnerable, it’s a recipe for disaster. Period. I need no more hurt in my life.

B and I text most of Sunday afternoon, until he abruptly tells me that he has a date that evening. I pause for a moment when he delivers the news and my women’s intuition is now validated. But I am not worried. I feel like we have a good connection and I tell him to have fun. I text him later Sunday evening as Jess is helping me settle into bed for the evening. He doesn’t respond. I fall asleep and wake a few hours later. Instinctively I check my phone and see a missed text from B only a few minutes ago. I read his message, smile and formulate my response. I want to ask how his date was, but don’t want to bring too much attention to this outside element. I want to get in his head a little bit, but also don’t want to feel too available. He tells me that he thought of me on his date, and that he texted me immediately after his date left. Honest and forthcoming. Interesting. I appreciate the transparency, and it grounds me. And gives me a sense of empowerment that he thought of me on a date with someone else.

His late night text opens a conversation that spans well into the wee hours of the morning. I think we texted back and forth for nearly 5 hours. I don’t want to like him, but I do. He’s likeable and charming, and easy to talk to, but in that lengthy conversation I also begin to see that B is somewhat broken. He’s touched on some things and this is the reality check that I have needed. I need this information to keep myself in check. He speaks of his ex and what a bitch she is, how she broke him down and belittled him. I don’t know her, but she sounds wretched. How did someone who is so nice spend so many years with someone so awful? Then I ask myself the very same question. Reflection is a real bitch Melissa.

B reveals that he has commitment issue and this brings me back down to earth. This is a sign of clarity that I need. It is no secret that I have trust issue and I am now learning that he has commitment issues. This is NOT a good combo. How is it that two very broken people somehow crossed paths, and have now spent hours communicating with each other like they’ve known each other for years? Does this even make sense to continue? I know that I want to be married again someday. I loved being a wife, I loved having a partner to hold my hand, I enjoyed being married. I want all that again, but it doesn’t seem like B does.

Our conversation on Sunday was very flirty, I don’t know what I am doing. Why am I continuing to chat with someone who checks all the boxes for me, but one. And it’s an important one. We text till nearly 4:00 am. It’s hard to say goodnight, but I’m tired and my body needs rest. The conversation excites me, and scares me. B is kind, and endearing, and seems sincere. But is this real, or is this just an elaborate act?

Monday comes and I am exhausted. My lack of sleep lingers, but I continue to reflect on my convo from the previous night. Super flirty texts, B is trouble. I’m in trouble. Why do I feel myself liking him? This isn’t logical Melissa. It’s not. We talk about our first date, but that seems like a distant reality. I have two months of recovery ahead of me. So much can change in that span of time. I find myself thinking of a first date and a first kiss. But it doesn’t seem real.

B has a jam packed day at work but squeezes in as much conversation as possible. It’s nice to have someone texting me throughout the day, which gives me a sense of comfort. It’s that connection that I have missed from C for the last couple of years. That void that someone has easily filled like it’s second nature. B works late on Monday and we don’t talk much that night. I fall asleep unsure of what all of this means, but allow myself to feel things I haven’t felt in awhile.

Tuesday’s conversation with B is much like Monday. Sneaking in chatting with me as much as possible in between his responsibilities. It’s super sexy to see someone so driven and passionate about their career, and someone that wants to share that excitement with me. It’s a refreshing change. B works late again but another late night convo ensues. He’s been super consistent with me, but I am also very guarded. Tuesday conversation is more revealing though. I appreciate all of the transparency, but learning more proves to be somewhat offsetting. I learn that he has been seeing someone consistently since May. This grounds me like a ton of bricks. Proceed with caution. This is sort of what I had anticipated the situation to be.

But, we have a strong connection. I feel like we’re both on the same page. Or maybe I am just naive and too hopeful? My gut instinct points to the latter. As we continue to chat about this he reveals that he has strong feelings for her but that there are also some red flags with her with regards to his kids. Now I don’t know what to think. We talk about this in more depth. I express my concerns for my place in this equation and how it makes me feel. I am not looking to be an option for anyone. I want to be a priority. I need to be a priority. Period.

C rejected me after 12 years, I am not looking to repeat that scenario with someone that I haven’t known all that long. This isn’t a good place to be. It’s setting myself up for heartache. The logical side of my mind says to run NOW, but I want to hear him out. He explains where he’s at and I appreciate the honesty. He then discloses something else. B is not looking to ever be married again. He is only looking for a lifetime partner. This statement stops me dead in my tracks.

It is as this moment that I do a major gut check. B and I are on two very different pages of life and that kind of sucks. I want to be a wife again, I want a husband. I can’t even think about raising someone else children again without any real level of commitment. This isn’t something that I can get past. It’s a non-negotiable for me. He may check every single box of what I am looking for in a partner…except the one that’s a deal breaker.

We wrap up the evening with a heavy feeling overhead. I’m disappointed, super bummed actually. I tell B that we can still be friends, but is that realistic? I explain to him that I am like a turtle who is retracting into her shell. I don’t want to be this way, but it’s the only thing that makes senes right now. I need to establish healthy boundaries with B. He’s adorable and kind and considerate and I can tell he has a lot of love to give. I wish this situation had flowed differently, but at least I can go to bed with a clearer understanding of who he is, and a much needed reality check.

Who knows if I’ll ever hear from him again after the way things awkwardly ended tonight. Maybe I’ll text him in the am, maybe I’ll just let it be.

The reality is….we are all just a little bit broken. But it’s what you do with those pieces that matter. If you can put them back together and become whole again, then it becomes a lesson. After enduring tremendous heartache, the true test of faith is keeping hope alive for brighter days ahead.