Picking Up the Pieces

You know that old saying that some people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime? I wonder how much truth there is to that sentiment.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to stick my toes into the terrifying world of dating apps, in an effort to make some new friends since my immediate circle of friends has been shattered thanks to C’s shitty life choices. 

I signed up for FB dating because a) it is free and b) it seems pretty straightforward. Let me also preface that all I know about online dating is what I’ve heard first hand from single girlfriends of mine and what an absolute disaster it is. This should be super fun, can’t wait to put myself out there in a sea of douche canoes and damaged 40-something years olds who probably don’t have good therapists. I haven’t been on a date with anyone other than C in 12 years…I have no idea WTF I am doing. Let’s jump right in, should be ‘loads of fun’. I begin uploading my best photos and crafting the perfect amount of wit and intelligence into the allotted 500ish words. 

Do I disclose the separation? Do I skip that elephant in the room? How much info is too much? I opt to put it all in there and drop in a witty one liner to lessen the severity of my currently shit sandwich. I need to be forthcoming bc anyone that I spend time chatting with will ask questions… I opt to lay it all out there. Truthfully most men probably just flip thru photos anyways and don’t even read what is written. I scan for a few more photos, upload those and then turn my profile on. Let the circus begin. 

Fast forward through a few days of being absolutely inundated by a borage of “men” that range in age from 25 to 60. I think to myself, “Good Lord, what the eff have I gotten myself into?” I flip through most of them clicking the X over and over, while simultaneously building more anger toward C for putting me into this situation of starting my life over at the age of 45. Selfish asshat who blew up our lives. This is such a daunting task. Fuck you C. Fuck You!

I keep X’ing, over and over until a great smile catches my attention. He’s in the “friendship” bucket, but B is adorable. Great smile? Check. Intelligent? Check check. Plays Guitar? Loves Sushi? Who is this guy? 40 years old with two young kids? A bit younger than I was looking for… but hopefully at 40 he’s mature…ish. Aerospace engineer? Clearly I have a type, I’ve matched with 2 guys from Blue (totally off limits, and too messy) and now B who works at X. Looking to embrace my inner space geek I suppose. I read further… he’s got two small kids. This is C all over again. Fuck! I go back and forth on whether or not to reply or click the X. 

But then I remember something that my therapist told me, and she is always quick to bring me back down to earth. When I told her that I was thinking of getting on a dating website and that I told her I wasn’t sure if I could date someone with kids again, she encouraged me to keep an open mind. Because at 45, a majority of my potential suitors will have children and that if I meet the right person, it will just make sense. I love children, and even though I have none of my own, I have loved being a bonus mom and wife. I have a lot of love to give, and have enjoyed getting to see both boys blossom and flourish in our home. Even though our family has been shattered in the last several months, I still love those boys to the end of the earth and always will. 

After reading all about B, I opt to click the smile. Shit. This guy seems kind of like a unicorn. I’m sure his inbox is overflowing. Who knows if I’ll even hear from him. The biggest risk in life is the one that you never take, rip the band-aid off Melissa, comment on one of his photos and click send. 

To my surprise, B replies fairly quickly. We begin to chat. Damnit, he’s charming too and witty, the conversation flows easily. This guy is basically the male version of me in so many aspects. I’m glad I put myself out there…but quickly realize this guy checks way too many of my boxes. Dare I even say more than C ever did in the 12 years we spent together? WTF. I am not sure how to proceed with this connection.

Over the course of the next couple of weeks we chat through the app, on and off. Sometimes I don’t hear anything for days. Is this guy flakey? He’s attractive, I am sure he’s juggling multiple women. No doubt. After not hearing from him for a few days after his surgery, I send him a message through the app to check in. With my surgery looming in the near future, I need a good mind body connection and realize I need to take a break from social media. I decide to check in with him before  taking a break. We chat more and then he shares his FB profile with me. Shit! I quickly realize that my FB is still very reflective of what my life once was. It’s riddled with 12 years of photos and milestones with C. I am not sure I am ready to let B into this part of my life and explain that to him. He understands and shares his number instead. We both agree the app sucks and move to texting.

This is now a couple days before my surgery, B is so easy to talk to, the conversation flows easily. Damnit, Who is this guy? He seems genuine and caring. He loves his kids to the end of the earth. He’s genuine and I can tell he has a lot of love to share with the world. I continue to chat with him, but I need to set healthy boundaries. Truthfully, I am not in a position to form any sort of an emotional connection with anyone. My trust issues run DEEP. I still flashback to those explicit text messages and every time I do they physically make me sick to my stomach.  I’m still working through the betrayal from C. I need to keep B in the friend zone, but I am also super intrigued and want to keep an open mind. I proceed with caution. Full well knowing, I have no idea WTF my future entails, nor do I know where his head is at or how many women he is currently dating. It’s not my place to ask those questions, but he is also the only person I’ve really connected with, and I feel like our paths have crossed for a reason. But what is that reason? I sure wish I knew.